Why We Avoid Conflict and 3 Things to Do About It
“I hate confrontation”.
This is a common response when it comes to having conversations that feel difficult. Avoidance feels easier than the possibility of “confrontation.” So does blame. It does feel good to shirk responsibility for our catabolic energy to others at times.
But why are so many of us really avoiding a conversation when conflict is involved?
Well, it’s uncomfortable, we can’t control others' responses, we don’t feel equipped, and we’re afraid of retribution, for starters.
In that gap between what we want and our actual reality, there is energy. Avoidance is energy. Blame is energy. Overcompensating is energy.
And an invitation to struggle together is energy, too, which takes us out of scary outcomes and sets us up to reconcile the gap between us.
We’re going to have movement, whether it’s anxiety or anger moving us, so we might as well be intentional about turning that energy into movement that makes progress.
How do we use our energy in that gap?
Catabolic energy––our reaction mode—provides limited options: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
I’m going to pretend everything is fine (even though I roll my eyes and disengage).
I’m going to speak angrily about what I feel while the emotion rises within me and my voice and opinion do matter and have a right to be said!
I’m going to turn the other way when I see you coming. I will just avoid you and this uncomfortableness at all costs.
Or I’m going to tense up and stare like a deer caught in headlights.
I’m going to overcompensate and scramble to make you happy, or happy with me.
Do any of these remind you of why you “hate confrontation?” They all feel passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. They. Don’t. Feel. Good.
So let’s get a little more equipped to turn conflict into progress.
Control what you can control.
My friend Polly tells me, “You can only control you.” I appreciate this perspective, and then I realize that sometimes it’s even difficult to do that. I don’t want to feel anxiety, yet I feel it. If I could control the sweating when I get nervous, I’d love to, but I haven’t figured out how to stop it yet. I can’t really control myself at times. Okay, so what CAN I control? That I call my friend and get a new perspective. I can control whether I add to the conflict passive-aggressively. I can control providing grace and a soothing inner voice to myself when I’m about to do something intentionally good, but scary. I can prepare what I’d like to say. I can write, sing, and walk. I do have options to take agency of myself and my approach.
2. Stand on a shared value.
Conversations in which we share values with another are easy. We just “get” each other. We understand where we’re coming from and feel validated and connected. During conflict on the other hand, we only see an enemy. Concentrate on clarity of a shared value you have with another and start there. We might not agree on this, or this, or this, but we DO agree on this. Get really clear on your relationship values as well. You can honor them in conversation.
3. Prepare with openness.
Being open means owning what you feel. “I care about you.” or “This is important to me.” or “I’m feeling sad about this.” The key is not to say, “I feel unappreciated” or “You really hurt me” because those indicate victim energy. Prepare to stand in your sincere desire to struggle together to mend the conflict without giving your power away. If you’re not there yet, keep working on what you're willing and not willing to do to reconcile the struggle idea. Then go at it again.
By slowing down to prepare for conflict, we can use energy to walk straight into it with confidence.
Reflect: How has avoidance impacted my relationships? My leadership?
Journal: Write a conversation starter for the next time you encounter conflict and want to reconcile. Be very intentional to avoid language that is victim-like and blaming. Start with this, “I feel… I’m willing to… I’m not willing to…”
Rachel is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) through International Coaching Federation (ICF) for INspired Leadership at ESSDACK. She helps professionals master self-leadership. She holds a Masters Degree in Counseling, holds her two children close to heart, and believes everyone holds the key to their own success. To learn more to learn more, schedule a discovery call here, or email Rachel here.
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To talk to our team about what INspired Leadership work can do for your work culture, email us here.
