How to Turn Public Shame into Private Conversation
A problem I see with too many dissatisfied educators is they’re talking to the wrong people about it.
For example a “dirty laundry” tweet to 3,000 isn’t as effective as an uncomfortable conversation with 1 person.
A “gotta vent” Facebook post to 750 isn’t as effective as an uncomfortable conversation with 1 person.
A tweet or post released to the universe feels safer than a one-on-one conversation because we’re bound to have allies. A conversation, however, commits us to being part of the solution and requires bravery.
Unfortunately, in this “call out” culture too many people jump to elevate their grievances “for the world to see” and don’t grasp the full damage it does to themselves, and to their perceived adversary.
Let me publicly make a claim: This is not the way to create reconciliation and peace in your heart.
Eckhart Tolle made a public claim as well:
You can eliminate most conflict from your life simply by refraining from telling people how someone wronged you or how they failed.
If you choose not to participate in the ego’s dramatic stories, it will loosen its power over you.
Get face to face with the right person and create – co-create – a resolution.
A Faux Pas Before Social Media
I learned the lesson about airing grievances the hard way in college. I vented my injustices to an acquaintance sitting next to me about a coach during a game we were watching. My self-righteous voice was accidentally recorded on the video camera she was supposed to have turned off at timeouts. It wasn’t.
A couple days later I was called into the office of that coach and asked to sit and watch a video together. I put two and two together about what I was seeing and hearing as it unfolded. Humiliating. Mortifying. One of the most in-my-face humbling lessons I learned.
Because the coach responded to me kindly, graciously, and with care, I walked away a better human being - a gentler one who understood the value of a powerful conversation with 1 person.
I changed because of the grace and forgiveness in that conversation with 1 person.
I thank my lucky stars that my moment of bad judgment wasn’t made a spectacle for 3,750 other people to judge and join in on.
It would have harmed me. It would have harmed that coach.
Why We Vent Publicly
I imagine people who feel wronged want someone to collude with. We want to feel justified.
Isn't this awful? Aren’t they awful? Don’t I have a right to be angry as a victim of this injustice?
Yes. I don’t know. And if you want to.
One of my favorite musing I once read by Pema Chodron:
Something happens
It means nothing
We make up a story about what it means
Our story becomes our reality
Asking “who am I” when feeling the energy of an adversary gives us a choice. Am I a person who enjoys public shame and feels satisfied to bring harm? Am I a person who wants to be the one who makes the change I hope for? Begin to identify as a person who is tough - who gets face to face with his or her adversary…and makes amends.
Because of that experience in college, I didn’t want to be the girl on that video. I wanted to be more like the coach - full of compassion and grace. Because of that experience, I’ve initiated uncomfortable conversations. They usually start like this:
“Thank you for being willing to meet with me. This isn’t comfortable for me. I imagine this isn’t comfortable for you either. I care too much about our relationship to allow this to fester any longer. I want to create a resolution together. What do you think?
Here are three more potential conversation starters.
There is a story going on in my mind and I have no idea if it’s true or not, but because I care about (our relationship, the students we serve, our culture, etc.) it’s worth feeling awkward right now to discuss it.
I’m (worried, frustrated, etc), and I want to better understand (the situation, what you meant when you said…). When is a good time to get together to visit?
I know it wasn’t intentional, but when you said ________________________, I felt ________________. I’d like to talk to get a better understanding of what’s at the heart of this.
The Value of Reconciliation
I keep a post-in note on my computer monitor that says “discomfort over resentment”.
Resentment will rot your bones. It will weave its way into your belief system and you will unknowingly do harm with the blindness of consistently feeling wronged.
Strong people choose the discomfort of a conversation with 1 person over the false comfort of resentment and justification.
The value of discomfort is peace. It’s a belief you are a creator in your life experience!
One of those creations could simply be to notice when you want to post a “call out” and then pause and imagine the healing that could happen if you send a simple text…to 1 person.
Can we talk?
Rachel is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) through International Coaching Federation (ICF) for INspired Leadership at ESSDACK. She helps professionals master self-inquiry and self-leadership. To learn more to learn more, schedule a discovery call here, or email Rachel here.
To talk to our team about what INspired Leadership work can do for your work culture, email us here.
