How to Improve Your Inner Voice in 3 Steps
Many of us grew up hearing or believing that a critical harsh word would get our butts moving. And for most of us it did work.
You can do better than that! Suck it up and get on with it. Come on now, quit being lazy!
While coming down with a hammer can get things moving, over time that energy will drain us and those we lead.
On top of that, many of us learned that to avoid harsh judgment or criticism from others, we use harsh judgment or criticism on ourselves.
Think about it––have you ever criticized your child, spouse, or friend to try to "help" them?
Uh…gulp. I have.
I had an epiphany a couple of weeks ago while sitting in the middle of the stands of a football game. I know better than to do this because I’m sensitive to the things patrons shout from the stands. I hear harsh words or see critical posts on facebook and it can take awhile to shake them.
In a sincere effort to “help” my husband (a coach) or my child (a player), I give them important advice at home so that no one can use those same things against them again in public.
So basically I end up saying things to the most beloved people in my world exactly what I don’t want others to do say to or about them.
Dang.
It was a hard revelation, but I learned the lesson.
Will I still share my heart with my family? Yes. But I’m choosing not to do it out of fear of the judgment of others. From that day forward my role shifted to consciously loving, encouraging, wholeheartedly speaking acceptance to my people.
If you can relate to resorting to criticism or judgment of others, your internal dialogue probably sounds similar because here’s the kicker—when we're not conscious enough to bare the shame that comes with turning that voice on ourselves , we turn it toward others.
This is an important pattern to notice…and it’s also important to remember it’s never too late to change a pattern.
So how, you ask?
The antidote to leading ourselves or others with critical energy is a genuinely soothing, caring, and accepting inner voice.
How do you talk to your family pet? Your grandmother who is ill? A lost child in the parking lot?
That’s the voice.
It’s understanding, comforting, and gentle. It’s attentive and attuned and kind. It’s the voice that guides you to accomplish what you thought only your harsh words could create.
Here are 3 steps to change your inner voice:
When you notice outward criticism or judgment, pause. What do you feel? What thoughts do you notice are surfacing?
Get those things written down to give yourself some distance to evaluate. (Research shows that acknowledging uncomfortable emotion by writing about it lessens the emotional hooks.)
With a calm, soothing voice, validate what you feel.
Here’s what I said: Rach, if you had the revelation sooner you would have taken different action sooner. I know you. You sincerely love and cherish your family. You haven’t ruined them. They are still healthy and resilient. You’re doing the best you can as consciously as you can. And hey––congrats on noticing and sharing it with others. That can be hard and even shameful to admit. Way to go. I notice your intention and progress.
The bottom line: Our criticisms of others are really about ourselves.
Reflect: What was the last criticism you made? What was really behind it?
Journal: I noticed the thought… I noticed the emotion I felt was…
To talk to our team about what INspired Leadership work can do for your work culture, email us here.
Rachel is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) through International Coaching Federation (ICF) for INspired Leadership at ESSDACK. She helps professionals master self-leadership. If you’d like practice building an inner nurturing voice, like to get freedom from some patterns that might not be optimal for you, or want to learn more about how that would all work, schedule a discovery call here, or email Rachel here.
To talk to our team about what this work can do for your work culture, email us here.
