Mastering the Pause
When we're deep in it, we sometimes react instead of responding. And afterward, upon reflection, we often think about how there was another way to handle the situation. We know better, but when we're "deep in it," we still struggle.
Consider for those of us with children. When you wake up in the morning, do you ever think, "Gosh, I can't wait to mess up my kids today!" Of course not! But at the end of the day, as we lay our heads down on our pillows, how many of us have thought, "Gosh, I really messed that up today." Many of us without children but who work with people will recognize this scenario too. We know better, but we still struggle. That. Is. Normal.
We've found ourselves in a conflict situation that has evoked Mad, Sad, or Afraid in us and we felt we needed to act now to keep ourselves (and/or others) safe. And maybe that was true. Maybe it wasn't. In those times when we look back on reflection and feel there could have been another way, is when we'll want to start working on developing our pause button.
What that looks like in action is being aware of how we're showing up in any given moment. When this is happening, how are we feeling? This is the beginning of the Pause.
Notice that you're in a conflict situation and PAUSE. SHUT UP. Plant your two feet wider. One, two. Now take a deep breath in through your nose if you can, and s l o w l y exhale though an imagined soda straw. Take another breath if you need to. Deeper and slower this time. Now, assess.
Assess -- right now, when this is happening, am I feeling Mad/Sad/Afraid? What's happening in my body? Where am I feeling sensations?
Acknowledge -- Ok, so I'm feeling this way. And I'm noticing this. I'm not judging these emotions or sensations. I'm saying, "I see you and I also know I'm still safe right in this moment."
Inquire -- I'm noticing that I'm feeling ________. What's that mostly about? And now what is that other person feeling? And what's that mostly about? What's going on in their minds/hearts right now? What are they really needing? I could share what I'm feeling first, then ask them about them. And then, ask us both, together, how might we get to a better place...TOGETHER? What's the next right step to keep our relationship whole in this moment, despite this situation?
That's the pause button. And it is so much easier said than done. But so is running a mile. Do you remember the first time you tried running a mile without stopping? It was HARD! And some of us have never even run a mile in our lives.
Right now, think about something you've accomplished that was very difficult at first. Riding a bike? Cooking a delicious, unburnt meal? Stopping a bad habit? Developing a good habit? Right. It took intentionality and time to get to success and you likely messed up a lot along the way. and eventually did the thing, right? And you never gave up because the end goal was worth it.
When we begin to develop a pause button, we'll mess up. But the end result is being able to stay in our rational brains, our prefrontal cortex, and help others get back to theirs (co-regulation) in order to problem solve together and keep our relationships whole as we move forward through the conflict in front of us. I'd say that end goal is definitely worth it for the people we're working and living with.
With whom and in what situation will you start this practice?
